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What the bible says about boundaries…
Relational Spheres
The first time I heard about the 5 “Relational Spheres” was in a 15 day bible study titled “I Do Boundaries”, by Havilah Cunnington. I had devoured Dr. Cloud’s book “Boundaries” years ago, and while I have the utmost respect for Dr. Cloud’s work, this particular study was a woman’s perspective. I was curious as to how “she” did boundaries.
The study itself was amazing. However, the concept of “RELATIONAL SPHERES” was new and intriguing! It put things into perspective. Into a nice clean box—so to speak. It compartmentalized relationships. It made sense. And while simple and clean, it’s adjustable! You choose who goes into each sphere, which may change with time and circumstance.
Not familiar with relational spheres? I wasn’t. Draw a small circle on a sheet of paper. Then draw four more circles around the center—the bull’s eye. You now have 5 levels of circles (spheres) with each circle sharing the same center. In this bull’s eye, God is our center.
Aren’t Boundaries Selfish?
If you’re thinking boundaries might be a bit selfish, she also puts things into Biblical perspective. While Jesus loved everyone, he didn’t make his life accessible to everyone. Even within his tight community of twelve, there were three men that were yet closer. Peter, John, and James. And of the three, John was His beloved. The gospels share that Jesus often withdrew to lonely places to pray and seek the Father’s will. This was His most intimate relationship. And what about the 72 disciples? Did they have the same access to Jesus as the others? Probably not.
As a recovering people pleaser, I loved this book. Havilah offered “5” relational levels. While the titles to the levels are hers, the words are my take on her levels.
The Levels
Level 1 is the “God Spot”
As Judeo Christians, we believe God is the center/core of our lives. He’s our creator. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He alone knows our heart, our thoughts, our wants, needs and desires. Psalm 139 begins with “O Lord, You have searched me and known me”.
Level 2 “Intimate”
This level allows for 1 to 3 connections defined as our most intimate. Spouses or significant others. Close siblings or close friendships. People we feel we can be vulnerable with and share private thoughts.
The 3rd level “Personal”.
Is comprised of 3 to 9 people. This could be family, close friends or a close group of friends that share similar desires and passions. They may be part of your day-to-day life. They have access to you and you give them priority.
Level 4 is “Social”
Is generally anywhere from 9 to 25 people. This may include extended family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers, etc. It could also be small groups you belong to such as a prayer group, a team, a club, or perhaps your tribe.
The 5th level’s “Public”
This space is for 25+ and pretty much encompasses everyone that does not fit above. Connections from broader groups like your church, community, places you frequent and have casual relationships. This can also include the virtual space we’ve created online.
At times, we may have invested hours in some of the outer rings at the expense of those closet to us. Ouch. Life is complicated. Relating to other humans can be tough. While compelled, we can’t attend to everyone’s needs. Priorities will change as well, as families grow.
Surprisingly, boundaries help you create a healthier life. You decide the level of intimacy and access someone has to your life. Protect what’s important to you. Guard your heart. Treasure inner peace. Not everyone will be happy or respect your boundaries and that’s okay.
Food for thought
What level do you find the most challenging?
What level brings you the most joy and peace?
Realistically, is there a level or connection you feel could benefit from healthier boundaries?
This study was eye opening for me, I hope you found some value as well.
Be blessed.